


Lock, Shock, and Peril: A Monkey's Tale

by foxtwin



Category: Community
Genre: Christmas, Double Entendre, Ensemble - Freeform, Gen, Humor, Poker, Teamwork
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-21
Updated: 2012-12-21
Packaged: 2017-11-21 22:25:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/602737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foxtwin/pseuds/foxtwin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Never expect a human to do a monkey's job. (Mid-Season 3 AU)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lock, Shock, and Peril: A Monkey's Tale

**Author's Note:**

  * For [gatty](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gatty/gifts).



“Read ‘em and weep!” Chang laid down his royal flush, causing Annie’s Boobs to sag and throw his cards against the wall that was the air vent. The monkey skulked away into a corner, looking back at the barely clothed security guard. “It was fair!” Chang protested. “You shuffled and dealt, so you know I’m right.” Annie’s Boobs stuck out his tongue and returned to his sulking position.

Chang picked up the cards -- all 54 of them, with Jokers included -- and a piece of ABC gum he’d stuck to the air vent last week, Thursday.

“C’mon...One more hand. Double the stakes.”

Annie’s Boobs perked up, twisted around, and came back to the game. His hand shot out, waiting for the cards.

“Oh, no you don’t,” Chang said. “I saw the way you tried to slip in that extra ace during the last game. This time, I shuffle and deal.”

Annie’s Boobs turned as if to go, but then decided against it. Double the stakes meant Chang would have to wash the dirty dishes with his butt -- and Annie’s Boobs wasn’t about to do that job again! It was humiliating.

Chang dealt another hand of five card draw. The extra ace would have come in handy, but he wanted a clean game with Annie’s Boobs. To watch the monkey clean the dishes with his butt -- for the tenth time this week -- was going to be a hoot!

Just as Chang laid down the last card for the game, his beeper went off.

“Damn,” he said. “Back to work. You’d think Dean Pelton would know when I’m off duty!”

Annie’s Boobs grinned, and pointed to the as-yet-unlooked-at cards.

“Yeah, I know,” Chang spat. Both he and Annie’s Boobs peeked at their cards. Chang’s eyes widened. Annie’s Boobs swelled and showed his teeth. Simultaneously they laid their cards down. Both had full houses: Chang had two fives and three tens, Annie’s Boobs had two queens and three twos. Their countenances fell as one.

“Rematch tonight,” Chang announced. Then, grabbing his beeper, the security guard wriggled his way down the ventilation shafts to do his detestable -- but interesting -- job.

***

“I don’t know, Jeffrey,” Shirley looked worried. “Isn’t that a little...immoral.”

“If you’re a fish, yeah. But we’re not fish.”

Abed walked into the study room. “And what if we were?”

Troy looked at Abed, as if to say that wasn’t the topic for discussion. Shirley picked up on the cue and felt obligated to fill Abed in on the conversation.

“Jeffrey thinks we should go fishing for koi at the Japanese restaurant.”

“Free sushi? I’m in.” Abed sounded ready for the adventure.

“And who will prepare it?” Annie wondered aloud. “Aren’t koi poisonous? I heard that sushi that isn’t prepared correctly can cause people to die a horrible death.”

“That’s nonsense,” Jeff retorted. 

“Actually, Annie may have a point. Though not with koi.” Abed announced.

“I heard that puffer fish -- also known as fugu -- can definitely kill you if not properly prepared,” Troy added.

“Well,” Shirley said. “I’m not going on your fishing expedition. I’ll have my sushi the proper way -- in a restaurant with tartar sauce.”

“Did someone say, sushi?” Pierce walked in and waggled his tongue in a lascivious way, causing Britta to noticeably shiver. She was already uncomfortable with the whole discussion.

“Shirley, you don’t eat sushi with tartar sauce...” Troy said.“I do. Tartar sauce and that tangy red dip that always comes with the shrimp at Red Lobster,” Shirley said. Then, turning to Jeff, she added, “I hope you’ve made your peace with God.”

“You all are sick,” Britta said. “If we’re going to a Japanese restaurant, give me a good vegetarian yakisoba. Hold the shrimp.”

“Shirley, I think the proper way to eat sushi is with soy sauce -- and a little wasabi or ginger,” Abed added. “But if you like it with tartar sauce, I’m sure that’s just fine, too.”

Just then, Chang emerged from the air duct in underwear, plumbers crack first. Annie was the first to notice.

“Ewww,” she announced.

“But tartar sauce is good,” Shirley said, before following Annie’s eyes to Chang. Lowering her voice, Shirley added, “I see what you mean.”

Chang bounded up from his crouched -- or crotched -- position and came toward the table.

“Good morning, former students.” His grin was broad and sinister. “Dean Pelton has called me in for special ops, so I can’t stick around -- as if!” He gave the table a thump, and with hips wiggling in a mock-Pelton walk, left the study hall.

All eyes were on Chang until he was out of sight.

“Special ops?” Jeff said. “It’s the day before Winter Break for God’s sake!”

“Christmas Break,” Shirley corrected. “And you really shouldn’t take the Lord’s name in vain.”

“Whatever,” Jeff said, giving Shirley a sideways glance.

“It should really be Holiday Break,” Britta said. 

Annie looked around the table and caught Britta’s eyes to change the subject. “I don’t think I’m up for sushi today, guys. I think seeing Chang made me lose my appetite.”

***

Annie’s Boobs felt lonely without Chang. It was that awful idiot Dean Pelton who was always taking him away on some asinine crusade that never had any true merit. The only thing good about Pelton, he thought, was that he had a decent stash of odd toys and goodies in his office to add to their collection in the vents. It then occurred to the monkey that Dean Pelton might not be who he said he was. Annie’s Boobs went down the ventilation shafts to see if his hunch was right.

***

Dean Pelton had spent all morning ironing his new Santa hat, and it still had five wrinkles that just would not come out. The Mrs. Claus outfit from his sister’s closet fit like a glove, and the elf-toed shoes added just the right je-ne-c’est-quoi element to complete the outfit -- if only he could get those confounded wrinkles to smooth themselves. He was about to apply the steam iron to the hat once again when Chang came in dressed in his security uniform.

“You beeped,” Chang said without emotion.

“Yes, I did,” Pelton said, placing the iron upright and looking into Chang’s gorgeous eyes. “As you know the holiday season is upon us and students will be filtering out of these halls to their families. But there are rumors -- and I cannot say that I know exactly where they are coming from -- that our Board is planning to keep all the students here over the holiday break. I need you, therefore, to find out if these rumors are true.”

God, he hoped they weren’t. It was the only time he ever got peace and quiet. If it wasn’t the Board breathing down his neck, or Vice Dean Laybourne attempting to take his precious office away from him, it would be the myriad interruptions taking him away from Jeff Winger. It was enough to make him spit -- though that would be disgusting and rude.

“They’re true. Vice Dean Laybourne met this morning in a secret meeting with the Board. I figured that’s why you called me. So what’s the plan?”

Gosh. He hadn’t really thought they’d be true, so hadn’t quite moved on to Plan B. Yet the obvious answer came like that sweet plum wine they always serve at China Village.

“Make sure it doesn’t happen, of course.”

***

Annie’s Boobs found the shaft that went into Dean Pelton’s office. The dean’s back was turned to the vent as he was ironing a red triangle with a fuzzy ball. Why didn’t he iron the fuzzy ball, too? He then saw Chang come in to the office. Chang never looked right when he was in uniform -- always better in underwear. He overheard their whole conversation, and that could mean only one thing: No more card games for a month. Annie’s Boobs controlled his anger; Chang would have been proud. If he had seen him. Why had he come here, again? Not to listen to Chang and the Dean. No. It was to spy on the dean. So far, the clues added up. A red triangle with a fuzzy ball. A red fuzzy suit. Strange shoes. The only thing that wasn’t matching was Dean Pelton’s physique. He was much too skinny. More spying would be needed to solve this mystery.

***

“What?” Jeff was not taking this well.

You heard me,” Chang said from his hiding place in the men’s room.

“When?” Even pretending to comb his hair became a chore with the news.

“At one o’clock the Board is going to lock everyone in. Unless you and your study group leave campus, you’ll be locked in, too. I’m already screwed. Though why I’m telling you this, I surely don’t know.”

“Thanks, Chang. I owe you one.”

“I’ll remember that, Winger!”

Jeff left the men’s room and rushed to find the others. A look at his watch told him that he had to hurry. Pushing past several other students blocking the hallway, he found Britta.

“C’mon. We gotta get out of here.”

“I am not going fishing with you,” Britta said gruffly.

“Well, it’ll be better than being locked up here!” Jeff grabbed Britta by the arm, dragging her several feet before she knew what was happening.

“What do you mean, locked up?”

“I mean...” and Jeff told her everything he knew.

“Abed and Troy are in the library. But I don’t know where Pierce and Annie are. Or Shirley.”

Talk would have to wait. Jeff and Britta dashed to the library hoping they could beat the clock. 

They found Troy and Abed perusing old comic books in the archives section, and a few well placed phone calls brought everyone to the study room in short order. But they were too late. By the time everyone had gathered -- Shirley being the last to arrive -- the doors to the library had been locked shut.

“Now what?” Annie said despondently.

“We wait,” Pierce said. “I’m glad I brought along my beef jerky and potato chips.” He hoisted both from his jacket pockets to prove his resourcefulness.

Troy looked hopeful. “There is another way out of here, you know.” He glanced at the vent.

Shirley shook her head. “Maybe you can fit through that thing, Troy. But my beautiful round body that God made will not fit into that tiny square.”

“Shirley’s right, Troy,” Annie said. “Crawling through vents might be your idea of fun, but Chang’s been in there!”

“Maybe Troy could crawl through the vent and get us all out.”

“No can do.” It was Chang, in a disheveled uniform, who emerged from the vent shaft. “All the vent shafts have been bolted shut, too. There’s no way out.”

***

Annie’s Boobs kept his surveillance on Dean Pelton all that morning. Candy in the top center drawer. A small whip in the top right hand drawer. Carrot sticks in the top left hand drawer. When the dean left, Annie’s Boobs pushed the vent open and inspected the desk some more. Moments later, footsteps forced Annie’s Boobs to hide in the dean’s empty lower left hand drawer -- the place where files on students were supposedly kept. Loud noises came from the dean’s office. 

When all was silent again, Annie’s Boobs crept out from his hiding place and tried to hop into the vent again. But it had been screwed shut. The monkey ran through the halls, and eventually found a vent that was open. He had to find Chang. Something was very wrong.

***

“What is the meaning of this?” Dean Pelton’s high-pitched query was nearly a squeal.

“It’s simple, Craig,” Vice Dean Laybourne said. “You’re through. Washed up. Done.”

“I...I can’t be.” And yet it would seem, he was. His Santa hat -- the one he had ironed to perfection, began to droop.

“Don’t take it too hard, Craig. All you need to do is sign this form. It makes me dean, it give you a nice pension, and keeps you from ever coming back to Greendale.” The grin on Laybourne’s face made him suspect that there was more left unsaid. “And, as soon as you sign it, these wonderful students can go home to their families. You’d want that, wouldn’t you, Craig?”

Yes, he would. But he would also want to stay at Greendale. To be the one with the ideas, the praise, the adulation of the masses. Thinking about Laybourne taking his job caused his stomach to turn all mushy.

***

Annie’s Boobs emerged into the study room and hopped onto the table, much to the delight of Troy who gave the monkey a high five.

“Where have you been?” Troy asked, delighted to once again have reunited with the little cuss.

In reply, Annie’s Boobs went back to the vent and opened it, beckoning Troy -- or for that matter, anyone with an ounce of courage -- to follow him. Troy and Chang took the bait. Abed followed. Jeff, shaking his head, joined the fray. Britta and Annie looked at each other. Then at Shirley.

“You two go ahead. I’ll stay here. At least I’ll retain my dignity. Lord willing.”

Pierce shook his head as well. My bones wouldn’t fit in there. I’ll stay here with Shirley and talk shop ‘til you come back.” Pierce crumpled himself into one of the study room chairs. “That’s at least one thing I’ll never do -- follow a monkey. No offense to you, Shirley.”

Looking heavenward, Shirley said a short prayer under her breath, hoping Pierce wouldn’t hear it: “Lord Jesus, give me strength to keep from a-slappin’ that son-of-a-bitch upside his racist head! Amen.”

***

The ventilation shaft was stuffy and narrow, but Annie’s Boobs found the only free vent exit -- the secret one Chang had always used in the men’s room. As the group following him emerged to freedom, Annie shielded her eyes -- then peeked through them in fascination. The monkey led the others down the hallway to Dean Pelton’s office, where some serious business seemed to be going on.

***

Dean Pelton’s pen was shaking in his delicate hands. He really didn’t want to sign the form. But what else could he do? One swift stroke later, the deed was done. He buried his head in his hands, as Laybourne gloated over him.

“Yes! Yes! Ye-e-e-s-s-s!”

All of a sudden his office door burst from its hinges, kicked in by...Jeffrey Winger!

“Oh, Jeffrey!” Dean Pelton swooned, clasping his hands to his breast.

“Too late, boy!” Vice Dean... ahem...Dean Laybourne said, raising the signed document above his head. “I’m dean now. You’ll have to do as I say!”

“Not if I can help it,” Jeff retorted. “Last I recall, we live in a democratic republic, where we elect people to represent us. Where we have rights and freedoms. Where slavery and tyranny are dealt with swiftly and with justice. Your brand of leadership, Laybourne, is the worst tyranny of all.”

In what seemed to last an eternity -- but only lasted moments -- Jeff and Annie and Britta and Abed and Troy and Pelton and Annie’s Boobs all grappled for the paper. But Laybourne, despite his size, was much more dexterous as he kept the paper from their grasp. What Laybourne hadn’t counted on, however, was Chang. The security guard snatched the paper from Laybourne’s hands and ripped it up, allowing the confettied form to drop slowly, ponderously, deliciously to the floor. He arrested the burly dean...ahem...vice dean, cuffed him, and led him away to the campus jail.

***

Winter Break began the next day, as scheduled, allowing Chang and Annie’s Boobs to have more poker matches than ever before. Annie’s Boobs won, of course. The cheater. 

But Annie’s Boobs did learn something in all of that adventure, something Chang and he would never forget -- but would have to keep secret -- all of his career. On Christmas Eve, while doing surveillance on Dean Pelton’s office, Annie’s Boobs noticed the dean eating Oreos and drinking milk. A lot. He got fatter -- not too fat, mind you -- but enough to convince them both that Dean Pelton was really...Mrs. Claus!


End file.
